What Do You Think?
Click picture to enlarge.
My new obsession ~ collages. This is my second project.
Let me know what you think?
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Time Heals all Wounds!
Twelve years ago this week my world crumbled.
On the day before Valentine’s Day my then husband and I made the decision to proceed with a divorce.
The day after Valentine’s Day my dad passed after a long battle from the complications of diabetes.
In a flash the two most important men in my life were gone. The days, weeks, and months that followed I functioned in a fog of numbness. Looking back the situation was like an out-of-body experience. I believe that fog protected me from loosing my mind, literally.
I handled my father’s death so calmly. He was at peace, free from the pain and humiliation of amputations that took his legs away. I accepted his passing, and still do, as the natural course of life. I had always known that some day I would bury my parents. In life none of us get the “Get out of Death” card. My view on death didn’t make any of this less painful. It only cushioned my heart and soul with acceptance of things that I can not change.
My divorce was a very different story. I grew up with the strong belief marriage was for life. I believed in the sacraments of birth, communion, marriage and death; divorce isn’t a sacrament. I made a promise ‘to death do us part’ to my husband in front of God, family and friends as witness.
I had no belief of acceptance of divorce to cushion my heart and soul from the pain and torment. Death albeit painful, didn’t rock me to the core like divorce did. In the rip tide of emotions that were drowning me I remember saying to a friend, “I could handle this if he died instead.” Of course I really don’t wish he had died. He moved on, quite quickly I might add, and rebuilt a family. The fact that he was alive and well forced me to examine my beliefs, my heart and my soul.
It took me years to peel back all the layers to reveal the core foundation of my beliefs about love and marriage. I had to reexamine each layer and accept or reject this new paradigm of thinking. All the while I was doing this I was bombarded with our society’s views and its love hate relationship with marriage. I peeled, examined, pondered, accepted, rebuilt the foundation and healed.
It took time, years of mind, body and soul self discovery activities, in professional settings and safe informal settings.
I know I have healed because this year the days leading to and following Valentine’s Day passed without a flicker of pain, regret or sorrow. They only passed as three days closer to my daughter.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Hazel, I Want You to Know …
I am waiting, preparing, creating, and aging and doing so gracefully, BUT!
I WANT MY BABY NOW!!!
I have resigned myself to another 12 to 18 month wait. However that does not mean I like it!
I realize many people have given up on there journey to adopt from China and I know many people in my life think I should “do something” different.
About a year ago I seriously thought through the options of 1) switching countries or 2) doing a concurrent adoption.
I did my due diligence. I carefully weighted all my options and the pros and cons. The conclusion… Yup you guessed it…. I’m staying in this line.
Not enough money was the deal breaker for a concurrent.
Typically money has never stopped me from pursing what I want. I have found if it’s meant to be the money will come. I have always lived my life with that motto and it has served me well. However, when I made the decision to adopt a part of that was sharing my incredible wonderful world with a child. I have a very comfortable life.
One parent + One income + two kids (1-2 yrs apart) doesn’t = comfort.
I have a strong desire to be a mom but not at the risk of living a stressful life of wondering how I’m going to cloth and feed my babies. I can’t even fathom how I would pay for daycare for 2, save to buy a house, afford a house, save for college, and forget about retirement. Nope not for me, I choose not to live that life.
As for switching programs, that was a far more complex decision.
Once I made the decision to adopt I carefully researched all my options. The information out there was a tangled web of contradicting information. At that point I made the decision to choose an agency first. I choose an agency that I felt would be a good adoption partner. I trusted their knowledge and expertise to guide me and provided me with assistance in making my decision. Based on all my factors, age, single, income, and the predictability of the process, China seemed to be the best choice.
In my reassessment of my decision not only did all my original reasons hold true I had also developed another set of reasons for staying with China .
Yes, China has really slowed down but it’s still a stable and predictable program. At this point switching programs doesn’t guarantee it will happen faster in another program. I choose China for its stability. Because China has slowed down doesn’t mean the other programs that I qualify for are now more stable. I wasn’t willing to take a chance on those programs at the beginning of the process; it doesn’t make sense to walk away from all the money I have invested into this process and start over in another program.
With all the practical reasons out of the way onto the emotional reasons why I am staying in this line. I have fallen in love with the idea that my daughter will be from China . I love the culture, the history, and the people. I want to learn more and absorb more into my own family history and culture. When I see all the faces of the babies being adopted from China I see Hazel’s face. I am certain you aren’t even born yet. However, you are as real to me as anyone else in my life. I am in love with you, baby girl. I cannot walk away from you.
I want you to know you are worth the wait. I want you to know that divine intervention is bringing us together. I want you to know that despite the inevitable situation that you are going to be abandoned by your birth family for reasons beyond my capability to understand or explain, you are wanted and loved. I want you to know that I am waiting for you with open arms and open heart. I want you to know that I am creating a world for you and I a family. I am reading everything I can to be the best mother I can be for you. I am becoming a better person for you. I want you to know that I am not just waiting, I am preparing to be your momma.
Switching programs would not mean giving up and walking away from the China adoption program , it would mean giving up and walking away from my baby and that I can not do.
So, here I sit waiting, preparing, creating and aging, in no particular order.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Sunday Nights as a Single Girl!
My dearest Hazel,
Here is a little something that mommy (and Cooper) do while we wait for you to come home.
Cooper and I take turns watching YouTube videos. Coop loves to watch doggie videos and I watch the China adoption videos.
The funniest thing is when the video ends Coop looks over his shoulder and gives me a look, “Momma click next please!”
It took me a long time of sitting quietly to capture ‘the look’. I am usually giggling so hard I can’t take the picture.
Love Momma!
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Long Time No Type!
This is a whole bunch about nothing.
Although I haven’t been blogging I have been lurking my favorites. I haven’t had much to say. The adoption status is the same. Waiting.
My home life is a series of routines. Like right now as I am typing this message, Cooper (the puppy) is harassing Kesu (the old man). I use to think Cooper wanted to play with Kesu. This dog is smarter than me. It took me awhile to realize Coop only harasses Kesu when I am at the computer or working on an art project. Once he starts bugging the $hit out of my old guy I start yelling, he gets what he wants, my attention.
Cooper is doing a really good job of training me.
Work is a little boring at the moment. However, I do realize it’s the calm before the storm. In a good way. Very soon my work life is going to be crazy busy. Just the way I like it.
In my pseudo house hunting I found a place that I love. I am paralyzed with indecision. Which is not like me at all. This adoption wait is doing a number on my head. Also, there a few things up in the air at work. I am certain the interest rates and the prices of homes are not done falling. If it’s meant to be it will be mine, when I am ready.
It’s a beautiful 2-family built in 1901 the architectural details are exquisite. There are 3 bedrooms in each unit and a two car garage. It appears all the major systems have been updated, new roof, siding and replacement windows. AHHHHH!!!!
The most exciting thing in my life right now is the two classes I am taking on Saturday at Amandalinz http://www.amandalinz.com. Angela Moen from The Button Farm is teaching the classes.
Here is one of the projects. The image is cropped, I will try and edited it later. I can’t seem to get the other picture to post.
This project is a LOVE photo album. Just in time for Valentine’s Day. I don’t have a Valentine this year. My daughter is only in my heart and Mr. Right took a wrong turn. I am not sure he is going to make the right turn, ask for directions and make it here by February 14th. So, I think this will be a gift for a very special friend.
That’s all for now. The couch and remote are calling my name.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Guess Who Stopped by My House?
Hilary and Chelsea Clinton!
When I came home from church my neighborhood was swarming with Secret Service, police and reporters. Cooper and I stood out on the porch to watch the action. And we got to meet Hilary and Chelsea. Chelsea and I had a lovely conversation while Hilary was visiting one of my neighbors.
My ‘hood is quintessential New England middle class. Just the place you would find a Democratic Presidential Candidate two days form the First in the Nation Primary! What an amazing country we live in where you can meet the candidates. One of the perks of being the “First in the Nation” primary state.
I seemed to be of interest to the Clinton staffers. I am an undecided Republican. I did vote for Bill and I have always admired Hilary. She publicly handled a lot of personal firestorms with great aplomb, dignity and forgiveness. At the same time I was divorcing my not so faithful husband. I really related to her during that time of my life. Now of course, I didn’t share that with her while there were hundreds of microphones and and cameras in my face.
Oh by the way if you do see me on TV please don’t point out that my nose was running. I know it was!
I would love to see The First Lady as our First Lady President. She might get my vote on that issue alone. Although I’m still a true believer in the Republican ideals I have been very disappointed with the last 8 years. I can say meeting her and talking about the issues makes a difference. Chelsea and I talked a lot about the issues that are important to me, adult literacy, international relations, and adoption. I was very impressed with her knowledge of the issues and her mom’s record regarding those issues.
I want a candidate that is clear about their personal principles and values. At this point in the race I don’t really want to hear policy. Policy is influenced by so many factor that aren’t at play while the candidates are running for office. I want to know the solid foundation that they stand for when it will be their time to make policy decisions. I want to know what principles will guide a president. We can disagree on some policies but not principles.
Although I may still be undecided. I am more influenced by today’s visit. I just might switch party’s tomorrow so I can make a democratic choice on Tuesday. Maybe…. I still have some more research to do.
Oh, and another thing… Did you watch the debates last night? I really wasn’t pleased with the candidates picking on each other. We are the United States of America. We should be able to debate and discuss even if we disagree. But I really hated the bullying. No wonder other countries think Americans are bullies. WE ARE NOT!! At least not most of us. Just a few egotistical self serving individuals. Did you noticed that Hilary didn’t get involved in any of that? That was a glimpse of her personal values.
I am off to Google.
Happy voting!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Sixteen Down!
These sixteen months really did go by fast. I am on God’s clock so all I can do is wait.
This is the best I can do. More after I catch up from a busy month.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
My TV Debut!
Sort of…
City_Flame_Smoke_HouseSm_Prog001.wmv
Look for the girl with long blond hair dressed in black. That’s me!
Eating and laughing, of course. My two best qualities.
If you are ever in the mood for AWESOME food, City Flame Smoke House is the place to go. I am not a meat eater and I love it. As you will see.
Bon Appetite!
