I grew up Catholic and my mom’s best friend and her family is Jewish.

Our families grew up together. They celebrated the Christian holidays with us and we celebrated the Jewish holidays with them. It was wonderful.

My brothers and I called ourselves Cath-o-lic-ish.  (We had absolutely no undertones of disrespect for either religion, we just felt special that we had both religions in ours lives. We wanted a special name for just us.)

If you want a visual, imagine Yiddish words coming out of the mouths of 5 little Catholic kids. I am saddened that I have lost much of that culture in my life today. That’s another post.

If you are not Jewish or Cath-o-lic-ish you may be thinking “What’s this got to do with decorating Hazel’s bedroom?”

A lot! Our families and friends never bought a gosh darn thing or had baby showers until the baby was born and safely home. I apologize to my Jewish and Cath-o-lic-ish friends if there is a spiritual or biblical meaning, but I learned it was just plain bad luck. Kind of like jinxing, throwing a whammy or a hex on the pregnancy or birth. I am pretty sure there is a real good Yiddish word for it. Wendi help me out here. My Yiddish vocabulary has vanished right along with my size 10 hips.

Well, I am no longer a practicing Cath-o-lic-ish, but I still practice the guilt. I joined our Yahoo LID Secret Pal swap, with a lot of Cath-o-lic-ish guilt thrown in. I have since gotten over that guilt, sort of.

Without Jules kind words, extravagant gifts and beautifully thought out wrappings I would have gone insane. You have no idea how much glee and excitement there is in my house the days, weeks after that package arrives. It’s a wonderful reminder that this adoption is real.

Also, I have bought a few things for my dear little love bug; mostly irresistible bargains at &ymboree Factory Outlet and Targ´et. The first purchase I made for her was her first baby doll. That was very important to me to be the one to give her that. That’s a whole another post.  

OK back to plucking daisies …

Now, are you getting the picture? Yup Cath-o-lic-ish guilt. (I love the way spell check wants to change that word and I won’t let it. Spell Check 0. Beth 6.) I really want to decorate her room. I am ready. For the last 2 years I couldn’t get my brain around the idea. I am ready and the guilt won’t go away. UGH!  

It’s not because I don’t believe this adoption will happen. I just don’t want to anger the wives tale’s gods. It would be like breaking a mirror than kicking the black cat walking in front of me as I am walking under a ladder.

I thought if I wrote this down and got it out of my head and gave it to the universe the answer would reveal itself.

All for not, in revealing my inner turmoil in this post I recalled a childhood memory that may have gone missing had I not started plucking daises.

I am going to go find some real wood to knock on and then throw some salt over my shoulder; just because I’m still thinking about decorating her room.

I WANT MY BABY NOW!!!

I have resigned myself to another 12 to 18 month wait. However that does not mean I like it!

I realize many people have given up on there journey to adopt from China and I know many people in my life think I should “do something” different.

About a year ago I seriously thought through the options of 1) switching countries or 2) doing a concurrent adoption.
I did my due diligence. I carefully weighted all my options and the pros and cons. The conclusion… Yup you guessed it…. I’m staying in this line.

Not enough money was the deal breaker for a concurrent.

Typically money has never stopped me from pursing what I want. I have found if it’s meant to be the money will come.  I have always lived my life with that motto and it has served me well. However, when I made the decision to adopt a part of that was sharing my incredible wonderful world with a child. I have a very comfortable life.

One parent + One income + two kids (1-2 yrs apart) doesn’t = comfort.

I have a strong desire to be a mom but not at the risk of living a stressful life of wondering how I’m going to cloth and feed my babies. I can’t even fathom how I would pay for daycare for 2, save to buy a house, afford a house, save for college, and forget about retirement. Nope not for me, I choose not to live that life.  

As for switching programs, that was a far more complex decision.

Once I made the decision to adopt I carefully researched all my options. The information out there was a tangled web of contradicting information.  At that point I made the decision to choose an agency first. I choose an agency that I felt would be a good adoption partner. I trusted their knowledge and expertise to guide me and provided me with assistance in making my decision. Based on all my factors, age, single, income, and the predictability of the process, China seemed to be the best choice.
In my reassessment of my decision not only did all my original reasons hold true I had also developed another set of reasons for staying with China .

Yes, China has really slowed down but it’s still a stable and predictable program. At this point switching programs doesn’t guarantee it will happen faster in another program. I choose China for its stability. Because China has slowed down doesn’t mean the other programs that I qualify for are now more stable. I wasn’t willing to take a chance on those programs at the beginning of the process; it doesn’t make sense to walk away from all the money I have invested into this process and start over in another program.

With all the practical reasons out of the way onto the emotional reasons why I am staying in this line. I have fallen in love with the idea that my daughter will be from China . I love the culture, the history, and the people. I want to learn more and absorb more into my own family history and culture. When I see all the faces of the babies being adopted from China I see Hazel’s face. I am certain you aren’t even born yet. However, you are as real to me as anyone else in my life. I am in love with you, baby girl. I cannot walk away from you.

I want you to know you are worth the wait. I want you to know that divine intervention is bringing us together. I want you to know that despite the inevitable situation that you are going to be abandoned by your birth family for reasons beyond my capability to understand or explain, you are wanted and loved. I want you to know that I am waiting for you with open arms and open heart. I want you  to know that I am creating a world for you and I a family. I am reading everything I can to be the best mother I can be for you. I am becoming a better person for you. I want you to know that I  am not just waiting, I am preparing to be your momma.

Switching programs would not mean giving up and walking away from the China adoption program , it would mean giving up and walking away from my baby and that I can not do.

So, here I sit waiting, preparing, creating and aging, in no particular order.